[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by sethwas

Speaking as someone who's been there - there are no objective standards of correctness here.
Meaning you're both right and both wrong. The question is how do you come to a balance that's healthy for all parties. (as what works for you may not work for someone else and vice versa).

The only things that are objective is that your mother in law is your wife's mother, and the house is not the property of your mother in law.

I would go so far as to assume your MIL doesn't clean and arrange the homes of other people where she happens to be a guest. She is doting on you/her daughter and legit feels she is helping, and that you guys are helpless.

To repeat what has been said earlier this is a boundaries issue. She was wrong to ignore your boundaries and you were wrong to ignore yours as well.

So you have to set them (both to her and to yourself). And it doesn't have to be an asshole-ish thing to do. You can be exceedingly polite and a good guy and still do it. (never be rude, try to maintain as much dignity throughout the process).

Remember, this cleaning thing isn't about you, she is cleaning because of her insecurities. She can't admit that her own children live differently than her so is not so subtlety trying to regain control and have the house to her liking. That way she can feel good about herself, and that her kids are living well (to her standard).

There are many way's to do this, and it doesn't really have to be a big 'talk' you can just let her (your MIL) know that you understand why cleanliness is important to her, however it hurts your feelings when she does this. (Because it does). It makes you feel ignored, unheard, disrespected, and diminished in your own home.
Absolutely she is allowed to have concerns about the house, and she should feel free to reach out to you or your wife if something is making her uncomfortable in your home (you should always have healthy lines of communication). But she should not feel free to take it upon herself to make the changes on her own without first getting the ok.

(knowing how these work, she will ask her own daughter if it's ok and not ask you, and your wife will say yes, leaving you in the lurch again. That is something you will have to work out with your wife separately, in terms of couples problem solving skills, but at least your MIL situation will be handled)

Seth

Impressive. I feel that this should be next...