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      03-02-2020, 09:35 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aimster82 View Post
My mother-in-law came to my house last month and stayed with us for a week. I have not been married that long so this is the first time she has been over for a long period of time by herself.

She organized parts of the house to her liking and even started folding my laundry.

Then we had some guests coming over and she was directing me to clean things and even how to clean them. The house was clean to me. She also was telling me to put certain things away because it didn't look good in front of the guests.

I just went with it even though I wanted to snap her head off but I made a comment that I don't think we should be throwing the red carpet out for my guests that are coming over to my house. She sat me down and told/lectured me that I am wrong and I should care.

I feel she is overstepping.
I told my wife how I felt and of course she is on her mother's side and tells me I am a "man". Basically men should not care about the house and it is very unattractive that I care where certain things are. Her mother should be able to do what she wants and we should not bring this up to her because it will hurt her mother's feelings.

I wanted to get some thoughts on this. Is this normal when the in-laws visit? I might be thinking too much into this...
That's some really controlling behavior. It's your house, and more specifically it's not her house. If the state of the house bothered her, she should have stayed at a hotel, instead of bulldozing her way around. For your wife to automatically back her mom, and belittle your priorities, is also a major bummer. Just yuck, all around. I don't envy you. I would not last long in such a situation.
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      03-02-2020, 09:37 AM   #24
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Op,
Your acting like a kid, 1982 your in your late 30's (do not take it personal)

I've had the wicked witch of Newton MA since the 90's I've learned to let things slide

To be fair my mother is similar to my wife, we both just smile/grin when they get pushy

My mother to my wife: why stainless steel all over the kitchen? it looks like a restaurant not a home lol, my wife: ya your right, I should make it more brite, let's go shopping to HomeGoods off rte 9 (problem solved)
btw, my wife loves the restaurant commercial look, she is just entertaining my moms advice not to make waves
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      03-02-2020, 09:39 AM   #25
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That's nothing, but at least you should set some boundaries and then tell her you appreciate her concern. Just ask "What can you do to make this be equal for all of us?" When you ask a "what" question they have to answer and it doesn't make the person get defensive.

Here's a little story about my mother. She always had a key to my house to come over a let dogs out during the day when my wife and I were at work. Well, after we had our twins, she would just show up unannounced and walk in. Not that my wife and I were doing anything special, but we put a stop to it right then and there. We said you can come over anytime, but just fucking call 30min before.

As for my mother cleaning up, ha. She sometimes babysits for us and the house is a mess when we come back. The other night she made french toast for the kids and there was fucking syrup all over the table and counters. She doesn't even put the pan in the sink. What's confusing is that my parent's house is spotless. Not a fucking thing out on a counter anywhere.

Oh, I don't have in laws as they are deceased. It's a good and bad thing. Good in that I don't have to deal with a mother in law. Bad in that we don't have an extra set of grandparents to pawn the kids off on.
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      03-02-2020, 10:00 AM   #26
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my last bit of advice is to tell her if it bothers her, for her to do it. say you have to do something else and dont have time to do it.

thats what i did with my MIL and she re-organized everything she thought needed it. I couldnt find anything for months, but at least she stopped telling me to do it.
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      03-02-2020, 12:25 PM   #27
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      03-02-2020, 12:37 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nyalpine90 View Post
there are boundaries parents and in laws should never crossed, 1. how you are raising your kids. 2. your house, rearranging furniture, telling you what to do in your own house.
out of respect, ask first if its ok to do so.

not knowing your boundaries, will create alot of issues, and fights with your spouse.
I have to say my mother in law is great and doesnt get involve but my mother that was whole different scenario. I had many issues with my mother wanting to control me, my wife and how things were done. My mistake was trying to make excuses, lead to arguments because I couldnt confront my own mother. It will only get complicated when you have kids...I havent had contact with my family for 2yrs now. I will not backed down until they realize what they did was wrong.
Same here. I purposefully kept my wife isolated from my family because of my mother. It's a shame as she likes my dad and he likes her.....but my dad still has to live with my mom. But I learned from an early age what my mom was about...and I became the "mean" one then.

My mom has mental issues, so my dad tries to support her. And we just try to do things that make it easier on him.

But to the OP....my wife is very close with her family. But when you get married, you are pretty much declaring that if came down to picking sides...your SO comes first. And my wife would choose me over her family same as I would for her.
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      03-02-2020, 12:45 PM   #29
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Sort this out now before you have kids and she starts sharing her opinions on those.
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      03-02-2020, 12:57 PM   #30
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I have no advice for you other than be flexible, but take no shit.

Your post reminds me of how great my life is now that I am divorced. I needed a sliver lining today. Thank you.
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      03-02-2020, 01:10 PM   #31
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Simple - set boundaries with Mother in law once you've spoken with wife about it. Be honest and talk it out like grown ups.

Complex - read this book.
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      03-02-2020, 01:43 PM   #32
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Speaking as someone who's been there - there are no objective standards of correctness here.
Meaning you're both right and both wrong. The question is how do you come to a balance that's healthy for all parties. (as what works for you may not work for someone else and vice versa).

The only things that are objective is that your mother in law is your wife's mother, and the house is not the property of your mother in law.

I would go so far as to assume your MIL doesn't clean and arrange the homes of other people where she happens to be a guest. She is doting on you/her daughter and legit feels she is helping, and that you guys are helpless.

To repeat what has been said earlier this is a boundaries issue. She was wrong to ignore your boundaries and you were wrong to ignore yours as well.

So you have to set them (both to her and to yourself). And it doesn't have to be an asshole-ish thing to do. You can be exceedingly polite and a good guy and still do it. (never be rude, try to maintain as much dignity throughout the process).

Remember, this cleaning thing isn't about you, she is cleaning because of her insecurities. She can't admit that her own children live differently than her so is not so subtlety trying to regain control and have the house to her liking. That way she can feel good about herself, and that her kids are living well (to her standard).

There are many way's to do this, and it doesn't really have to be a big 'talk' you can just let her (your MIL) know that you understand why cleanliness is important to her, however it hurts your feelings when she does this. (Because it does). It makes you feel ignored, unheard, disrespected, and diminished in your own home.
Absolutely she is allowed to have concerns about the house, and she should feel free to reach out to you or your wife if something is making her uncomfortable in your home (you should always have healthy lines of communication). But she should not feel free to take it upon herself to make the changes on her own without first getting the ok.

(knowing how these work, she will ask her own daughter if it's ok and not ask you, and your wife will say yes, leaving you in the lurch again. That is something you will have to work out with your wife separately, in terms of couples problem solving skills, but at least your MIL situation will be handled)

Seth

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      03-02-2020, 02:59 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DocL View Post

As for my mother cleaning up, ha. She sometimes babysits for us and the house is a mess when we come back. The other night she made french toast for the kids and there was fucking syrup all over the table and counters. She doesn't even put the pan in the sink. What's confusing is that my parent's house is spotless. Not a fucking thing out on a counter anywhere.
Possibly retribution for you making messes in their house as a kid growing up? Because that's my plan as soon as my daughter is on her own and has her own place,I'm gonna have a field day trashing her house/cars like she did to ours
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      03-02-2020, 03:38 PM   #34
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your MIL speaks her mind makes good suggestions re cleaning up and hosting etc. She probably means no harm but is not PC. It is better to have someone tell things to your face than scheme behind your back.
Get her flowers and make her feel valued. I think you will be ok.
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      03-02-2020, 03:50 PM   #35
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Nope - I agree these will only get worse if you let them. Might not be worth the argument, but I'd certainly have no issues saying "well this is my house and my guests and I'll treat them accordingly." Some will say this is "rude" but so is walking into my house and taking over.

If I was single and my own mother did this - I would have the same response.

You wanna come to our house and sweep up or scrub the toilet - have at it. But I won't be lectured in my own home. I guarantee you if someone came to her house and did the same her tail feathers would be in a flurry.

I come to your house - I will live by your rules. You want me to sleep in a different room from your daughter? Sure. You want the seat down after using the toilet? No problem. You cat/dog crawls all over me? I can hack it. When any of these get to be a big enough deal I will choose to stay home.

She can do the same.
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      03-02-2020, 04:02 PM   #36
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There is some nuances that probably need ferreting out. What are you and your wife's ethnicities, and your age. I can see where an old school mom from the old country tries to get more involved in some young 20 something's household. Tread lightly though. At the end of the day, it's easy to get mad in the moment, especially as things build, but you'll regret it if you do something rash. I'd bring it up with the wife every single time.
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      03-02-2020, 04:33 PM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sethwas View Post
Speaking as someone who's been there - there are no objective standards of correctness here.
Meaning you're both right and both wrong. The question is how do you come to a balance that's healthy for all parties. (as what works for you may not work for someone else and vice versa).

The only things that are objective is that your mother in law is your wife's mother, and the house is not the property of your mother in law.

I would go so far as to assume your MIL doesn't clean and arrange the homes of other people where she happens to be a guest. She is doting on you/her daughter and legit feels she is helping, and that you guys are helpless.

To repeat what has been said earlier this is a boundaries issue. She was wrong to ignore your boundaries and you were wrong to ignore yours as well.

So you have to set them (both to her and to yourself). And it doesn't have to be an asshole-ish thing to do. You can be exceedingly polite and a good guy and still do it. (never be rude, try to maintain as much dignity throughout the process).

Remember, this cleaning thing isn't about you, she is cleaning because of her insecurities. She can't admit that her own children live differently than her so is not so subtlety trying to regain control and have the house to her liking. That way she can feel good about herself, and that her kids are living well (to her standard).

There are many way's to do this, and it doesn't really have to be a big 'talk' you can just let her (your MIL) know that you understand why cleanliness is important to her, however it hurts your feelings when she does this. (Because it does). It makes you feel ignored, unheard, disrespected, and diminished in your own home.
Absolutely she is allowed to have concerns about the house, and she should feel free to reach out to you or your wife if something is making her uncomfortable in your home (you should always have healthy lines of communication). But she should not feel free to take it upon herself to make the changes on her own without first getting the ok.

(knowing how these work, she will ask her own daughter if it's ok and not ask you, and your wife will say yes, leaving you in the lurch again. That is something you will have to work out with your wife separately, in terms of couples problem solving skills, but at least your MIL situation will be handled)

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      03-02-2020, 06:45 PM   #38
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Come in my door, you're in my house. Leave your opinions in your own damn house. Or expect me to be the most pedantic asshole you've ever encountered when I come to your house.
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      03-02-2020, 06:59 PM   #39
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Since you haven't been married long I can understand why she sides with her mom. As you guys grow together she will cut the embillical and side with you. If she doesn't then you have some issues to work thru. I agree that if the visits are few and far between then it may not be a battle to fight and worth winning. BUT, you should ensure that understands your stance and feelings behind what happened.
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      03-02-2020, 07:36 PM   #40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by infinitekidM2C View Post
There is some nuances that probably need ferreting out. What are you and your wife's ethnicities, and your age. I can see where an old school mom from the old country tries to get more involved in some young 20 something's household. Tread lightly though. At the end of the day, it's easy to get mad in the moment, especially as things build, but you'll regret it if you do something rash. I'd bring it up with the wife every single time.
Actually, I was just thinking your thoughts--we cant really give opinion without knowing this info. It really makes a difference. One thing I have found is generally woman have a better sense of what is cleaner and looks better as far as household issues..maintenance, repairs and preventative..forget it. But all in all, since we don't know many variables such as who the guests are we can't realistically give a viable opinion.
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      03-02-2020, 07:43 PM   #41
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All y'all are doing this all wrong! Let me preface this by saying that my in-laws live an hour away.

Early in my marriage, I noticed that my MIL stopped to wash a dirty dish that someone left in our kitchen sink right after we bought our house. On her next visit, I put two dirty dishes in the sink. After a year, we could pile an entire week's worth of dishes, pots, pans, etc into the sink, and they would all get washed any time they came to visit. Keep in mind that we have a perfectly good Bosch dishwasher that we use all the time, but keep dirty dishes around when the in-laws are coming so that my MIL feels like she is helping us out.

Back in the beginning, I would go outside in the morning before they arrived and mow the lawn. After figuring the dish thing out, I intentionally mowed crooked lines and missed big patches of grass one morning. My FIL took the lawnmower out and proceeded to mow the spots that I missed. You already know where this is going by now, and I want to make it clear that I was nice enough to buy a lawn tractor because I felt guilty. Mowing the lawn makes my FIL feel like he's helping out.

Is that a leaf that I see hanging out of the gutter? I think that you can see where this is going.....
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      03-02-2020, 08:01 PM   #42
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It's only going to get worse from here on out.


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      03-02-2020, 08:17 PM   #43
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I’ve been married 20 years and have never had a disagreement with my MIL. My secret? She speaks Spanish and I speak English. A language barrier goes a long way towards harmony. Everything we say to each other goes through a filter. Does her incessant picture taking, first with film and now on an iPhone, bother me sometimes? Sure, especially when the pictures are crooked or heads are cut off, but we will never fight about it.

In all seriousness, the problem here is between OP and his wife. It’s hard enough for two people to live together. Anyone who speaks the same language as their in-laws will have a ruffled feather once in a while. But spouses need to stick together, even if just fake stick together to promote harmony. OP’s wife is not taking his concerns seriously and borderline insulting him. That would be far more problematic to me than whatever the MIL does or says. Focus on that and the MIL issue will get worked out.
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      03-02-2020, 08:37 PM   #44
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